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Shirk Grifter vs. Paragraph Doctor: Episode 2
Notorious villain Shirk Grifter, deplored world-wide for
despicable crimes against grammar, usage, punctuation, mechanics, and the writing
process, pens a research essay under the cloak of night—an essay that’s due in
the morning!
“Bah!” he scowls, muttering to himself. “Research shmeesearch!
There’s plenty of stuff on Wikipedia I can copy/paste to fulfill the word
count!”
Just then, Shirk receives a call from none other than... The
Paragraph Doctor!
“Wassup, Shirkster? Wanna go catch the midnight showing of
that Rushdie documentary?”
“Shut up, broseph! I’m writing an essay. And NO, I don’t
need your blasted help. All I need is a D, so keep the pedantry to yourself!”
“Hey, whatevs, that’s cool. What sources are you using? You
remember your JSTOR password, right? Oh, wait, let me guess—you’re plagiarizing
Wikipedia again?”
“I’m not plagiarizing! It’s all common knowledge anyway!”
“Then why do you need it at all?”
“Well, I… oh, fine, I’ll cite it properly in APB form, or…
PBJ or… whatever it’s called. Happy now?”
“Good. I’m sure your professor will love that. They’re super
impressed when students cite nothing but an online encyclopedia written by
anyone with a Yahoo email account rather than using primary sources and up-to-date
peer-reviewed scholarship by experts.”
“I told you to shut up! Go watch your stupid documentary—be sure
to wear your most pretentious tweed sportcoat. There’s nothing wrong with
Wikipedia!”
“I love Wikipedia! But if you’re supposed to be making an
insightful intellectual inquiry into a subject, how can Wikipedia—or any
encyclopedia—be expected to give you anything more than the most general and
already well-known facts about a subject? Shouldn’t you go into more depth than
that? Shouldn’t you offer something more detailed than info any fourth grader
can look up in a few seconds on a smart phone?”
“Damn you! Just shut your mouth! I was almost finished and
you’re ruining it!”
“Almost finished regurgitating an encyclopedia article?
Great. But you know, it wouldn’t be that hard to follow links to the sources
the Wikipedia article used. Or to search online databases through your library
account. I mean, you don’t have time to go to the library or speak with a
librarian at this point, but hey, scholar.google.com is still open. As is Lexis
Nexis, Academic Search Premier, and a bajillion other databases. Hundreds of
full-text articles are a few clicks away.”
“Gah! Fine. Send me a link?”
“No.”
“FINE! OK… thanks. Again. I guess. Oh, look, here’s an
article from U Cal about applications of gravity duality. Sweet! Gotta go.
Laterz!”
And thus, another trainwreck of an essay was rescued by our valiant
hero, THE PARAGRAPH DOCTOR!
Shirk Grifter vs. Paragraph Doctor: Episode 1
Notorious villain Shirk Grifter, deplored world-wide for despicable crimes against grammar, usage, punctuation, mechanics, and the writing process, pens an essay under the cloak of night, minutes before his deadline.
“Ah-ha!” he cackles. “My essay is significantly shorter than required, but I shall apply dark magic to its margins, font size, and spacing to beguile my detractors! AHAHAHAHA!!!”
But his maleficent laughter is interrupted by a sudden, thunderous boom, the wall of his study suddenly reduced to rubble. Light shines through the rising dust, revealing the silhouette of none other than our hero, The Paragraph Doctor!
“Not so fast, Shirk Grifter!”
“Oh! Paragraph Doctor! Thank heavens. I, uh… I was just, uh… would you care for some tea?” Shirk mumbles sheepishly, lowering his now crimson face.
“Well,” the Paragraph Doctor says with a pleasant grin, “you wouldn't happen to have any chamomile… oh, ah, no!” He clears his throat, remembering his purpose. “No time for tea! My super-senses alerted me to fraudulent writing coming from this very room! I should’ve known it would be YOU!”
“It’s true, Paragraph Doctor! Please help! I’ve been looking at YouTube videos of kittehs all day and my paper’s due in an hour, but I’m still 500 words short!”
“Oh, Shirk,” the Paragraph Doctor sighs. “What will I ever do with you? Well, let’s take a look. Perhaps we need to expand the scope of your thesis, or maybe we just need to add more detail and evidence to your body paragraphs.”
And with that, the two writers set to work, another potential catastrophe laid to rest by THE PARAGRAPH DOCTOR.
“Ah-ha!” he cackles. “My essay is significantly shorter than required, but I shall apply dark magic to its margins, font size, and spacing to beguile my detractors! AHAHAHAHA!!!”
But his maleficent laughter is interrupted by a sudden, thunderous boom, the wall of his study suddenly reduced to rubble. Light shines through the rising dust, revealing the silhouette of none other than our hero, The Paragraph Doctor!
“Not so fast, Shirk Grifter!”
“Oh! Paragraph Doctor! Thank heavens. I, uh… I was just, uh… would you care for some tea?” Shirk mumbles sheepishly, lowering his now crimson face.
“Well,” the Paragraph Doctor says with a pleasant grin, “you wouldn't happen to have any chamomile… oh, ah, no!” He clears his throat, remembering his purpose. “No time for tea! My super-senses alerted me to fraudulent writing coming from this very room! I should’ve known it would be YOU!”
“It’s true, Paragraph Doctor! Please help! I’ve been looking at YouTube videos of kittehs all day and my paper’s due in an hour, but I’m still 500 words short!”
“Oh, Shirk,” the Paragraph Doctor sighs. “What will I ever do with you? Well, let’s take a look. Perhaps we need to expand the scope of your thesis, or maybe we just need to add more detail and evidence to your body paragraphs.”
And with that, the two writers set to work, another potential catastrophe laid to rest by THE PARAGRAPH DOCTOR.
Some say...
Some say, the pinstripes on his dress shirts are double-spaced.
Some say, his home is protected by the magical power of possessive apostrophes.
All we know is... he's called The Paragraph Doctor.
Some say, his home is protected by the magical power of possessive apostrophes.
All we know is... he's called The Paragraph Doctor.
Some say...
Some say, spell-check was written by translating his MRI
images into binary code.
Some say, he never goes anywhere without a ladder, in case
he needs to rescue a dangling modifier in distress.
All we know is, he's called The Paragraph Doctor.
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